Today, six days before my birthday, I start reflecting on my past and present, and how journey has been - at least in the past ten years. One of my reflection materials is a recent memory - my retreat experience in Mirador Baguio in summer this year.
Today, I ask myself, after four months, is my disposition still the same? Do I have a change of heart?
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| From my photo album Suns of Mirador: Two Sunrises (Part 1) |
My Reflection, Silent Retreat, Mirador Jesuit Villa, Baguio City
In February 2010, I was so sure I was leaving Ateneo de Naga for a couple of reasons. My plan was to resign in June of the same year. By that time, I shall have completed my turnover report and paid my personal loan from the University. I shall be free. But before that, in March, I had to go on what I thought was my third and last silent retreat sponsored by the University. And so I went here in Mirador. I did not have specific desires, except maybe to rest, free myself from work, eat, thank the Lord for the personal and professional gifts that I had received in Ateneo, and somehow affirm the decision that I had made, without any intention to change it. I suspected that it had been my disposition in my first two retreats: affirming decisions pre-made, listening only to my voice, pretending it was God. But I did not have the foggiest idea that things at Mirador will not go my way. I believe it helped that I did not have the specific desires, so, consciously or unconsciously, I allowed God… or shall I say, God took the opportunity to lead me to important issues and decisions that needed review and discernment. To shorten the story, with the guidance of my retreat director Ms. Minda, my five days at Mirador last year changed my decision. I have stayed with Ateneo, but remained attentive to my internal movements and open to other possibilities.
I remember few weeks after the retreat, one of my prayers was answered. Fr. Joel asked if I wanted to leave his office and be the Deputy Director of Student Affairs. Of course, I said yes. With my decision to stay at Ateneo and my yes to Fr. Joel, I embarked on the new chapter of my journey at Ateneo, more challenging, sometimes not rewarding, but always fulfilling. Along with career growth, I also received other special gifts. The saying “when it rains, it pours” can aptly describe my life the past twelve months.
Today is the fifth day of my fourth retreat. And like my third retreat, I came here without specific issues or problems for resolution. On the first day, I already had this disposition. I remember, when I was at the labyrinth, the first thing I asked God was, “What is it that you desire for me this time, Lord?” There was no answer. There was just silence. But I was patient. I learned from the previous retreat that I have to wait for God’s time. Maybe God at that time was busy with another retreatant so I waited until images started to enter my mind – first, faces of my parents, my colleagues and friends with whom I had just spent time in Sagada before this retreat; and then events like my transfer back to the Office of Student Affairs, my travel opportunities, the new joyful events in my family, among others. That must be God’s response to my question – awareness of the gifts that I have been gifted with. Given this awareness and joy, I received a deep confirmation that, indeed, I am loved. And, the source of this love is God.
The next question posed to me by my retreat director, Bro. Bong, was: “How do you respond to God’s love?
My reflection on this question did not come easily. At first I had to deal with a recurrent issue: to leave or not to leave Ateneo. Maybe, this is a common concern among retreatants in Ateneo, especially the young. But maybe, being disturbed by this concern is a first step to responding to God’s love. By seriously entertaining the thought, one explores and validates where he/she may be most productive or where he/she is called to serve: be it in Ateneo or outside. Anyway, my prayer, my careful evaluation of the pros and cons of each option led me again to a decision to stay.
The second step to answering the question was value clarification which I remember I also did last year. In a prayer, I listed many values and materials important for me. Then I went back to my desires and decisions, and I realized the rationale behind them.
Now again, to the question, “How do you respond to God’s love?” To provide a context, Bro. Bong suggested that I read The Story of a Rich Man. In this story, Jesus told the rich man: “Sell all you have and give to the poor. You will have a treasure in heaven. Then come and follow me.” Upon hearing this, the man became sad, for he was a very rich man.
To be honest, when I first read it, I got defensive, not because I am rich, but because I am not. In fact, in my journal, I wrote:
Dear Lord, I do not have a car. I do not have savings in a bank. I have some debts to pay. My parents do not have properties for me to inherit someday. My salary is only enough to sustain my daily basic needs, but when I settle down someday or decide to have my own house, I doubt if it can build even a fence. Of course, I am exaggerating.
But my point, Lord, is that I am not a rich man. I have no material wealth to sell and give to the poor.
Then, the Lord knocked my head so I can remember the grace of Day 1: self awareness of my gifts and confirmation of God’s love for me. If these are wealth, then I may qualify as a rich man.
This reminds me of the Dugong Atenista, which I had the chance to redesign as a formation program in 2008. Last year, I dubbed the bloodletting activities with the theme: “I am loved, I give blood”. When promoting the activity to students, we, at OSA, explained to them that they are loved, given the many blessings that they receive, and that the source of these blessings is God. And then we asked them: How do you return this love? Of course, the theme encouraged that they donate blood.
It turned out that I had asked students the same question I was asked in this retreat: How do you respond to God’s love?
Maybe I should learn from the Dugong Atenista program, from the same program I wrote. Maybe I should learn from the opening message, which I recall I delivered at a processing session of Dugong Atenista last year: I said: Do not just pray. Do not just thank God. Pay it forward. Share your blessings.
In this retreat: the Lord brought back to me what I said: Give of yourself: talents, skills, time, friendship, care, love, not because I am motivated by the promise of entering the kingdom of God, or afraid of the fires of hell, but because it is the loving thing to do.
I can also say that in my life I have responded to God’s love. I know that the Lord is pleased to know this. But I also know that compared to the bulk of gifts I receive each day, what I give is so small.
The modesty of my response was further pronounced when suddenly in my reflection, the prayer of St. Ignatius came to mind. It is his response to God’s great love, his interpretation of Jesus’ challenge to the rich man: Kunin mo, O Diyos, at tanggapin mo ang aking kalayaan, ang aking kalooban, puso at gunita ko… Ang lahat ay tatalikdan ko…
Beautifully written, but the prayer is easier read, said or sung than done. I would be dishonest and hypocrite if I tell the Lord that at this time or sooner… ang lahat ay tatalikdan ko. Truth is, deep inside me, there is selfishness and so much self-love. Truth is, after this retreat, I will sin.
But then again, God reassured: I am loved. I am loved despite my sins, my inadequacies, my excesses. But then again, as the ending of St. Ignatius’ prayer, I am reassured: Just give me your love and your grace, it is enough for me. And I know very well, how loving my God is. I am reassured.
Finally, I thank God for leading me to this place for this retreat, Bro. Bong, everyone and everything in this place that helped facilitate my retreat. It is my hope that I will be able to sustain this desire to pray, and to bring the meanings and fruits of my retreat experience to Naga and anywhere I go.
It is my prayer to take it a personal everyday challenge to be mindful of the God’s invitation to love, to serve.
Thank you for listening.
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