I am happy to have lost some weight, but I still feel so heavy. It must be the extra baggage that went along with me when I came home from Korea two weeks ago. It must be some issues, mostly recurrent, that have been trying to disturb the happiness that I feel right now.
I should be happy but these issues are more pronounced by the fact that September is just around the corner, and what it means for me: my 29th birthday, and my fourth year in Ateneo de Naga. Work can effectively make me busy and forgetful, at least in the nine to ten hours that I am in the office. But these issues are so persistent they know when I’m unguarded: when I’m at peace, when I’m alone, when I’m home.
But I am happy, happier than before. Yes, I still feel weird about my position in the University. My compensation is still frustrating. My lovelife is still dull. Nevertheless, life has been more good than unjust to me. Results of my work have been very satisfactory. My colleagues and friends have been inspiring. Outside my work, I have been so blessed with rich and meaningful experiences like travels and friendship. Many joyful events have happened in the lives of my family, in my relationship with them.
For these I am happy; I know I want more than a happy life. I am grateful; I know deep inside me something is wasted, something is stagnant. I am loved; I know I have a life to taste, with all its sweetness and bitterness. I am good; I know I can do, give and be so much more. I am safe; I know I have to go out of my comfort zone, take some risks, change some plans.
Still, I am happy, but then I worry that loneliness would strike very soon when the movements inside me remain unattended. Twice I tried to reflect on these issues, but work concerns have found their way to distract me, to keep me busy, as if slowing down or delaying something I should have done before.
Happily I know that change is coming sooner or later. I just need to make decisions. I just need some courage and will. I just need some plans. Or maybe, I don’t need to plan. Maybe I just have to wait for life’s surprises. Maybe in September I’ll know.
August 1, 2011, 10:30 p.m.
I should be happy but these issues are more pronounced by the fact that September is just around the corner, and what it means for me: my 29th birthday, and my fourth year in Ateneo de Naga. Work can effectively make me busy and forgetful, at least in the nine to ten hours that I am in the office. But these issues are so persistent they know when I’m unguarded: when I’m at peace, when I’m alone, when I’m home.
But I am happy, happier than before. Yes, I still feel weird about my position in the University. My compensation is still frustrating. My lovelife is still dull. Nevertheless, life has been more good than unjust to me. Results of my work have been very satisfactory. My colleagues and friends have been inspiring. Outside my work, I have been so blessed with rich and meaningful experiences like travels and friendship. Many joyful events have happened in the lives of my family, in my relationship with them.
For these I am happy; I know I want more than a happy life. I am grateful; I know deep inside me something is wasted, something is stagnant. I am loved; I know I have a life to taste, with all its sweetness and bitterness. I am good; I know I can do, give and be so much more. I am safe; I know I have to go out of my comfort zone, take some risks, change some plans.
Still, I am happy, but then I worry that loneliness would strike very soon when the movements inside me remain unattended. Twice I tried to reflect on these issues, but work concerns have found their way to distract me, to keep me busy, as if slowing down or delaying something I should have done before.
Happily I know that change is coming sooner or later. I just need to make decisions. I just need some courage and will. I just need some plans. Or maybe, I don’t need to plan. Maybe I just have to wait for life’s surprises. Maybe in September I’ll know.
August 1, 2011, 10:30 p.m.
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